Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
