just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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