I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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