I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize