True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
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