Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
