talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
