I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
