Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
