One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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