I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
