i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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