I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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