You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
