Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
