my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
