Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
