the condom got lost in my hair
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
