Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
