my phone needs a breathalizer
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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