Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
