I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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