I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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