I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
