theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
