I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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