that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
