I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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