Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
