All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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