do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
