just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
