see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
