dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
