I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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