No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
