Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
