I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I will be naked everywhere
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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