I wish my penis had an off switch
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Randomize
