I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
