If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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