Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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