I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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