my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
