I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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