he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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