Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
