wanna go halves on a baby?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
