it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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