oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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