They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
