goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
