I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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