My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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