u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
