My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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