Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
love makes seman taste better
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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