I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
