I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Randomize
