Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
